Metaphors for "He is as dumb as..."

Recently a Chicago lawyer told a judge he was "a few french fries short of a happy meal."  This launched a discussion on the LawMarketing Listerv of ways to say that someone was "dumb as a box of rocks."

Trial lawyer Stephen Babcock of the Babcock Law Firm, LLC, in Baton Rouge, LA, contributed this awesome list of 127 metaphors:

12 shy of a dozen
A bad spot on the disk.
A couple of open splices.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
A few bricks shy of a load.
A few cans short of a six pack.
A loose chip on the micro processor.
A quart low.
About as sharp as a bowl of jello.
About as sharp as a bowling ball.
About as sharp as a sack of wet leather.
About fifteen cents short.
About three cents short of a dollar.
All booster - no payload.
All crown - no filling.
All the lights don't shine in his marquis
As thick as two short planks.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel
CPU not connected to the bus.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Doesn't have all his dogs barking.
Doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
Doesn't have both oars in the water.
Doesn't know if his biscuits are all done.
Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
Doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Echoes between the ears.
Elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
Got a few tiles missing from his Space Shuttle.
Got one boot stuck in the sand.
Got the mental agility of a soap dish.
Had a head crash.
Half a bubble off plumb.
Has a mind like a sieve
Has a room temperature IQ.
Hasn't got all his china in the cupboard.
He ain't wrapped too tight.
He has both oars on the same side of the boat!
He has signs on both ears saying Space for Rent
He is playing hockey with a warped puck
He isn't playing with a full deck.

 
He left the store without all of his groceries.
He parked his head and forgot where he left it.
He's a couple of volts below threshold
He's about as smart as bait...
He's flying on one engine.
He's got a mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled
He's got a mind like a steel trap--full of mice.
He's got the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
He's not running on full thrusters.
He's reading off a empty disk
He's running at 400 baud
He's two tacos short of a combination plate.
He's working with an unformatted disk
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His elevator is stuck between floors.
His little red choo choo done jumped the track.
His receiver is off the hook.
His skylight leaks a little.
His/her dialing thumb must be broken.
The porch light is on, but there's nobody home
If (his/her) IQ was 2 points higher (he/she) would be a rock.
If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his hat off.
If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
In the shopping mall of the mind,  he's in the toy department.
Leads 3 & 4 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Light not buring too bright.
Lights are on but no one's home
Loose wire to headset/ringer.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Mainspring's wound too tight.
Missing a few catalog cards.
Missing a few gears.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Nice house not much furniture.
Nice house, nobody home.
No one at the throttle.
Not firing on all four (six) (eight) cylinders.
Not playing with a full deck? hell he's not even in the game!
Not too tightly wrapped.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One shingle shy a roof.
Only got one oar in the water.
Only playing with 51 cards.
Over the Rainbow
Paddling with one oar.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Pin 8 is floating.
Raw cookie dough.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Riding a tippy canoe.
Running on empty.
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
She was minus so many buttons ...
Six shy of a dozen.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Some bugs in his software.
Some drink form the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Someone blew out his pilot light
Surfing in Nebraska
Teflon brain (nothing sticks)
The brains of a house plant
The caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
The carnival has closed.
The cheese has slid off his cracker.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
The going got weird and he turned pro.
The smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
The synapses are about that far apart.
There's a leak in his ceiling
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Vacancy on the top floor.
Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains.
Was napping in the pile the day that God was cracking nuts.
When he plays poker, it's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
You can hear the wind whistling through his ears.
You probably like to do everything the hard way... like making love while standing up in a hammock.
Your clock doesn't have all its numbers.
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Comments (6) Read through and enter the discussion with the form at the end
Rich - June 21, 2007 11:41 AM

Love these. My favorite, not on the list? "Depriving a village of its idiot."

Miley Sinus - May 31, 2010 12:18 PM

A few lights out on his marquee.

Graycard - June 28, 2010 4:47 PM

A few bulbs burned out on his marquee/Christmas tree.

Tom Smith - December 21, 2010 6:44 PM

Sharp as a ballpeen hammer.

Blake Field - May 5, 2011 12:31 PM

Of course these are all really similies, not metaphors (use the word "like" or "as"...

My personal favorite is from Foghorn Leghorn: "That boy, I say, that boy is as sharp as a bowlin' ball!"

George - June 8, 2011 12:39 PM

My favorite not-on-list: "dumb as a bag of hammers."

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